Quick takes

Well, it's that kind of week again. Too many blog-worthy stories happened this week that your's truly couldn't possibly focus on just one for an epic blog. Therefore, Big Bad Bernd will take all these stories and give a brief but boisterous opinion on all of them.

This is going to be FUN!!!!!!

1. One Direction invades Australia:

Hey, guys! Justin Bieber called, he wants his loud, insufferable, psychopathic fans back!!!! Well, what can I say? Just two years ago Juzzy Biebs hit the jackpot and gained fans around the world and what happens? We all got confirmation that, when they're enraged, female pop music fans are the most dangerous creatures on the planet. They scream, they shout, they run, they crowd, they tackle....and they scared Bieber into holing up in his hotel room at one point while he was here in Australia! And who could blame him? As soon as he steps out that door all hell breaks loose!

Which brings us back to One Direction. If you thought the hysteria from Bieber's visit was bad, imagine that multiplied by five. That's pretty much what happened this week despite a rocky start when fans were let down as the boys touched down in Sydney on Tuesday. Apparently, the police and airport staff escorted them to a 'VIP exit' away from the fans.

And just like Bieber's fans, One Direction fans have already made threats against any girl who dares to get too close to their idols. During a radio interview one of the boys admitted that he had a crush on the station's receptionist and wished to take her out on a date. Well, she turned him down, mainly because she already has a boyfriend, but now she has to contend with the insults and death threats from over-zealous fans and even some fans who simply want to touch and be around her just because she had been in contact with the boys!

Wow. I'd change my phone number and my door locks, and become a master of disguise in the meantime if I were her!

And almost lost in all the hysteria is the fact that the boys are being sued by a US rock band with the same name. They have been using the name 'One Direction' since 2009 and in 2011 filed an application to trademark their name. Oh the humanity!

2. Kate Winslet's 3D breasts cut out of Titanic 3D's China release:

So it's been 100 years since the iconic doomed passenger liner Titanic sank in the North Atlantic Ocean and to commemorate this milestone, James Cameron's Oscar Winning epic Titanic (the film that dominated the 1998 Academy Awards, put Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet on the map, gave us that excruciating song by Celine Dion) was re-released into cinemas in 3D. Sounds all well and good, but there was some controversy involved in the China release. Apparently, Kate Winslet's 3D breasts were deemed 'too good' for the people of China and so were censored.

A spokesperson for China's State Administration of Radio, Film and Television (SARFT), there were fears that viewers might reach out to 'touch' the breasts and so obstruct people's viewing and might so the SARFT decided that censoring Winslet's bits would build a 'harmonious, ethical social environment'.

Naturally, viewers were aghast at such a decision. One male filmgoer lamented that they had waited fifteen years 'and not for the 3D icebergs'. Well, can't say I blame him. When I watched this film in the movies I remember male viewers cheering and hollering when that scene in which Winslet's Rose disrobed in front of DiCaprio's Jack came up. Heck, some of my male friends back in high school stated that they mainly watched it for that scene alone. And well, being a man myself, I too enjoyed that scene. Yeah, poor Chinese audiences. What a waste!

3. Scorned woman crashes car into ex's workplace:

Lesson to any Facebook user out there: If you are going to change your relationship status from 'married' or 'in a relationship' to 'single', make sure you break up with your ex first BEFORE you change said status.

A British man learned this the hard way when his scorned ex-girlfriend drove his car into the bowling alley in which he worked, causing $21,000 worth of damage.

Wow. What an epic failure on that guy's part. Changing your relationship status on Facebook when your other half still thinks you're in a relationship with them (judging by her reaction I'm pretty sure she thought they were still in a relationship) and then leaving your car with her when you know damn well that she may find out about your transgression. Even if she hadn't decided to drive that thing into a building, who's to say she won't smash it into smithereens and then leave a big 'F**K YOU' letter sitting on top of the scrap heap?

Seriously mate, what you did was not only dumb, but also cowardly, even more so than dumping someone via text message. You got exactly what you deserved and you'd better consider yourself lucky that you're still alive.

4. Lady Gaga runs afoul of eating disorder groups:

Gaga has admitted in the past that she struggled with bulimia as a teenager and has urged young women to embrace a healthy body image. Therefore, she came under attack from eating disorder groups thanks to a twitter post she made. She tweeted 'Just killed back-to-back spinning classes. Eating a salad dreaming of a cheeseburger #PopSingersDontEat #IWasBornThisWay'.

Well, it was supposed to be a harmless post but according to the National Eating Disorder Association it was a hypocritical insult to many young girls, especially those who suffer from body image depression and eating disorders. Many of Gaga's own fans turned on her, stating their disappointment in her mocking such a serious illness.

I honestly don't know which side to take here. On one hand, I'm sure Gaga did not intend to disrespect anyone with this post, especially since she herself has suffered from an eating disorder and has always encouraged people to love themselves. But on the other hand, I can see how such comments could be viewed as insensitive and hypocritical, especially since she attached the hashtag 'pop stars don't eat' on the message. I guess in the end it comes down to how sensitive people are. You can either take it as a sarcastic remark and laud Lady Gaga for her dry wit and or you can view it as a tactless message and slam Lady Gaga as a stupid hypocrite who doesn't have a brain in her head. The choice is yours.

5. North Korea's epic failure:

You know, some people hear the word 'North Korea' and instantly think of a country ruled by a funny-looking madman who operates like a comic book villain - intimidates his own people, shows utter defiance to the rest of the world, shows no mercy towards people suffering under his rule and seems to have a goal to take over the world. Yes, I am talking about Kim Jong Un, who apparently has the same twisted mind as his late father and predecessor Kim Jong Il and even looks like him (no, that is not a compliment).

However, even Big Bad Un fell victim to Friday the 13th, and just for a moment he managed to make a laughing stock of both himself and his country. At 8:39am AEST on Friday, North Korean scientists launched a rocket that, according to them, has an observational satellite attached to it. The rest of the world, however, believes that it is yet another covert missile test.

Anyway, the rocket crumbled in mid-air and fell into the Yellow Sea. To add insult to injury, the rocket was supposed to symbolise strength and hard work from a nation suffering from economic hardship, as well as to celebrate the birth of the North's founder, Kim Il-Sung.

All I have to say is, way to kill four birds with one stone, guys. This epic failure was a slap in the face for North Korea, for Kim Jong Un and for Kim Il-Sung. It cost the North Korean government $850 million and Japan was ready to shoot it down had it flown over their airspace. I could only imagine the looks on the Japanese officials' faces when they saw that doomed rocket plummet into the ocean 10 minutes after its launch. No wonder the whole world is laughing.

By the way, I did not make a typo when I stated that this catastrophe killed four birds with one stone. The fourth bird is (drum roll please) Kim Kardashian. Some bloggers christened the rocket 'Kardashian 1', alluding to that over-exposed oxygen thief whose marriage crashed and burned. I'll bet Kim felt more hurt than the bag of flour that hit her in the head a few weeks ago after reading this - assuming, of course, that she can read.

Well, there you have it. Pretty interesting stories out this week. And in case you're wondering why news of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West hooking up and Brad and Angelina's engagement didn't make it here, I only have two words:

WHO CARES!!!!?????