'Four eyes' and proud of it!

I read a blog in the newspaper recently in which the author describes her feeling at having to wear glasses. Like many people, and I am sure there are plenty of them, she spent most of her youth sneering at people who needed specs (the elderly aside), believing that they were geeks and weaklings who got picked on in the school yard. She also pointed out that film, literary and comic book heroes did not wear glasses (Harry Potter aside) and the ones that did like Clark Kent Peter Parker used it as a part of their disguise to 'hide their awesomeness' as she put it. She then goes on to describe her anguish at the news that she needed to wear glasses. Suddenly, she became one of these 'four-eyed' people. A geek. A weakling. A nerd. To compound the humiliation, she was forced to eat a huge serving of crow for looking down on bespectacled folks in the first place.
Fortunately, she eventually saw the positive side of things, mainly that her once fuzzy vision has been made clear and that it was possible to be a 'cool person' with glasses on (she cites Tina Fey as an example of a 'speccy superhero'). In the end, she embraced her specs and now cannot live without them.

I have to admit, I can totally relate to this story. I, too, wear glasses but this hasn't always been the case. In fact, my eyesight was pretty decent when I was a kid but too many video game and TV sessions later they deteriorated. Unfortunately for me, I also viewed bespectacled folks with snooty disdain, believing that only uncool people wore glasses and that they made the owner look silly. I also viewed them as a bully magnet for kids.
When I eventually noticed that my vision was getting fuzzier I tried to hide it. I was around 14 or 15 at the time and before I knew it, I suddenly had to squint to try and read what the teacher was writing on the board. If that didn't work I slyly peeked at my seatmate's notes and copy off them. As my vision got worse I started sitting right in front of the classroom. I'm pretty sure most of my classmates were thinking 'look at Bernd sitting out front like a goody-goody!' The truth was, I HAD to sit at the front. But in my state of absolute denial even that wasn't enough to get me to admit to myself that I needed glasses.

My problem soon manifested itself in different humiliating ways. People snickered whenever I couldn't read things from a distance. My family members looked at me suspiciously when I failed to see somethinng clearly on the TV screen. I started having to squint a little while playing video games. I kept sitting at the front of the class even though I didn't want to. It got worse and worse. At one particular day in high school, I was sitting in maths class with my friend and we were copying notes off the board. He caught a glimpse of my page and asked me why I had copied a particular formula wrong. I meekly asked him if I could copy it off his page and thankfully he obliged, no questions asked. But seriously, that was a huge blow to my ego. I obviously had a problem but I was too damn stubborn to admit it.

Finally, shortly before I turned 17 my mother forced me to get my eyes checked. She had began to notice my increasing inability to see things from afar and understandably, she was getting worried. I went to the optometrist, took the exam and my apparently-not-so-secret shame was exposed: I was short-sighted and needed glasses. Right at that moment I heard a voice inside my head shout 'NOOOOOOOO!!!!' I couldn't believe it! I was already a geeky kid to begin with but with these glasses I was stamping that label on my forehead in block letters. When I tried my new glasses on the only thing I saw was a four-eyed nerd begging to be mocked and laughed at for the rest of his life.

But, that was a long time ago. Just like the author of that blog I eventually came to embrace the glasses. Reading things from a distance is no longer a problem, watching TV and reading off the computer is no longer a frustrating experience and I actually think I look ok with them on (although taking pictures can still be a problem since the lens tends to form a glare). Besides, not all frames make the owner look like a total dork. There are trendy frames out there that can make the owner look cool and hip.
I'm sure there are some folks out there who look at me and think 'oh, there goes another four-eyed geek!' but to them I respectfully say, 'four eyes and PROUD OF IT, DUDE!!!!!'

Switcheroo

When I was a kid, I was a fan of the Archie comics series. Sure, some of the stories were corny but there were enough laughs to keep me entertained when I wasn't sitting in front of the TV killing braincells or sitting in front of the computer killing even more braincells and my eyesight. It was quite fun reading about Archie's life as an all-American teenage kid, trying to decide which girl he ultimately wants to be with, hanging out with his mates, trying to one-up his mates on occassion and going through all the trials and tribulations teenagers go through. Yeah, he and his friends were loads of fun in between gaming sessions.
I haven't read the comics in a long time but according to a recent news article, Archie will accidentally be turned into a girl named Archina in a future story. I didn't know what shocked me more, the fact that this all-American teenage boy was turned into an all-American teenage girl or that the writers gave him/her a dumb name like 'Archina' (Archela, Athena, Anthea, Alana, Alina.....there ARE some better names out there!). Apparently, Sabrina the teenage witch will make an appearance here and, well, maybe she's the brains behind this little mix-up.

It also got me thinking about what the Archie comics series would be like if the entire cast changed sexes. I can just see it now:

-Reggie becomes Regina, an egotistical Kim Kardashian-esque popular girl who thinks the entire male student population wants her.

-Jughead becomes.....well....I guess Jughead could still be her nickname, and she's a dorky, sarcastic and lazy girl who hangs out with Archina and can out-eat any man she knows.

-Betty and Veronica become Benny and Vinnie, one jock and one spoiled rich boy, best mates who constantly fight over Archina.

-Moose becomes Doe (a female deer is called a 'doe', get it? Of course you didn't!), a big, intimidating girl who beats up other girls that try to get too close to her handsome, sensitive-new-age-guy boyfriend Mick (instead of Midge).

Well, you get the point. All the characters swap genders but still retain their personalities. Funny isn't it?

Reading this article got me thinking about which film, literary, cartoon or comic book characters would become more interesting if they swapped genders. Don't worry, I'll keep the list short and sweet.

1. James Bond aka: Jane Bond

I know what you're all going to say. 'She'll just be another Lara Croft! Big whoop!' Be that as it may but I think it would still be an interesting scenario. Bond usually travelled around the world armed with his gadgets, his wit and his ability to pull in the ladies, all the while fighting power-mad maniacs so wouldn't it be interesting to see a girl get up to his adventures? James Bond went on several missions dressed in a tux or a formal suit, wouldn't it be interesting to see if a woman in a formal dress can get the job done without messing up her hair, make-up and outfit? Wouldn't it be cool to see a woman utter the words 'The name's Bond. Jane Bond' and order a glass of vodka martini, shaken but not stirred with a flirty swagger? And most of all, wouldn't it be cool to see her do some of the stunts and martial arts moves that James Bond is renowned for, not to mention score with a different 'Bond Guy' in each film? I know I'd enjoy it!

2. The Simpsons

This one would be fun! Imagine the Simpsons family undergoing a gender switch. Bart becomes a bratty little girl who gets up to mischief and enjoys making fun of her younger, dorkier brother, the two have an adorable baby brother with psychotic tendencies while Homer becomes an overweight, beer-swilling, lazy female nuclear power plant technician who can out-burp her male colleagues and Marge becomes the high-strung stay-at-home dad who occassionally takes odd jobs. Man, I actually want to see this one come into fruition!

3. Holden Caulfield aka: Mercedes Caulfield

We all know The Catcher in the Rye's Holden Caulfield - he's an angry teenager who refuses to grow up, shows utter contempt towards most people, detests 'phony' qualities in people and is drowning in his own self-loathing. What if he were to become a she? Therefore, Holden becomes Mercedes, the angriest teenage girl in the world.
I can imagine that she would be the type of girl that someone like Kristen Stewart, Taylor Momsen, Shailene Woodley and even Avril Lavigne (provided she can rediscover her angsty teen alter-ego) would play in a film. Cute, youthful, young at heart but also angry and has a pessimistic view of the world. Yeah, lots of teens would look at her and think 'Yup, I can/have see/seen myself in her'.

5. South Park

Man, this one would be a hoot for sure. Imagine if those four boys were four foul-mouthed little girls who get up to the same kind of hijinks that those boys did. I'm pretty sure that the outrage from this series would be doubled!
Instead of Eric, Stan, Kyle and Kenny, we got Erica, Sam, Kylie and Kimmy ('Oh my God! They killed Kimmy!' 'YOU BITCHES!!!!'). And I know they killed him off a long time ago but wouldn't it have been fun to see Chef as a funky female cook? Get someone like Octavia Spencer to provide her voice and she would have stolen the show for sure!

6. Twilight

Well now, how about this one? A moody, emo, over-dramatic boy (ie: the first or second teenage boy you'll encounter on the street) who has to choose between a mysterious but charming and stubborn female vampire named (think of an Angelina Jolie type but less slutty) and a likeable, cheerful, adventurous but temperamental werewolf (pretty much like your typical girl next door, I guess). I must say I would get a good laugh watching the male lead acting like a moody little pansy trying to decide which girl he wants to be with - not to mention those two girls trying to one-up the other in winning our hero's affections.

Well, that's it for now. Yeah, some stories, shows and movies would be quite interesting if different characters changed genders so I can't begrudge the folks at Archie comics for giving it a go. Female characters exhibiting male traits and vice-versa? Sounds fun to me!

Quick takes

Well, it's that kind of week again. Too many blog-worthy stories happened this week that your's truly couldn't possibly focus on just one for an epic blog. Therefore, Big Bad Bernd will take all these stories and give a brief but boisterous opinion on all of them.

This is going to be FUN!!!!!!

1. One Direction invades Australia:

Hey, guys! Justin Bieber called, he wants his loud, insufferable, psychopathic fans back!!!! Well, what can I say? Just two years ago Juzzy Biebs hit the jackpot and gained fans around the world and what happens? We all got confirmation that, when they're enraged, female pop music fans are the most dangerous creatures on the planet. They scream, they shout, they run, they crowd, they tackle....and they scared Bieber into holing up in his hotel room at one point while he was here in Australia! And who could blame him? As soon as he steps out that door all hell breaks loose!

Which brings us back to One Direction. If you thought the hysteria from Bieber's visit was bad, imagine that multiplied by five. That's pretty much what happened this week despite a rocky start when fans were let down as the boys touched down in Sydney on Tuesday. Apparently, the police and airport staff escorted them to a 'VIP exit' away from the fans.

And just like Bieber's fans, One Direction fans have already made threats against any girl who dares to get too close to their idols. During a radio interview one of the boys admitted that he had a crush on the station's receptionist and wished to take her out on a date. Well, she turned him down, mainly because she already has a boyfriend, but now she has to contend with the insults and death threats from over-zealous fans and even some fans who simply want to touch and be around her just because she had been in contact with the boys!

Wow. I'd change my phone number and my door locks, and become a master of disguise in the meantime if I were her!

And almost lost in all the hysteria is the fact that the boys are being sued by a US rock band with the same name. They have been using the name 'One Direction' since 2009 and in 2011 filed an application to trademark their name. Oh the humanity!

2. Kate Winslet's 3D breasts cut out of Titanic 3D's China release:

So it's been 100 years since the iconic doomed passenger liner Titanic sank in the North Atlantic Ocean and to commemorate this milestone, James Cameron's Oscar Winning epic Titanic (the film that dominated the 1998 Academy Awards, put Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet on the map, gave us that excruciating song by Celine Dion) was re-released into cinemas in 3D. Sounds all well and good, but there was some controversy involved in the China release. Apparently, Kate Winslet's 3D breasts were deemed 'too good' for the people of China and so were censored.

A spokesperson for China's State Administration of Radio, Film and Television (SARFT), there were fears that viewers might reach out to 'touch' the breasts and so obstruct people's viewing and might so the SARFT decided that censoring Winslet's bits would build a 'harmonious, ethical social environment'.

Naturally, viewers were aghast at such a decision. One male filmgoer lamented that they had waited fifteen years 'and not for the 3D icebergs'. Well, can't say I blame him. When I watched this film in the movies I remember male viewers cheering and hollering when that scene in which Winslet's Rose disrobed in front of DiCaprio's Jack came up. Heck, some of my male friends back in high school stated that they mainly watched it for that scene alone. And well, being a man myself, I too enjoyed that scene. Yeah, poor Chinese audiences. What a waste!

3. Scorned woman crashes car into ex's workplace:

Lesson to any Facebook user out there: If you are going to change your relationship status from 'married' or 'in a relationship' to 'single', make sure you break up with your ex first BEFORE you change said status.

A British man learned this the hard way when his scorned ex-girlfriend drove his car into the bowling alley in which he worked, causing $21,000 worth of damage.

Wow. What an epic failure on that guy's part. Changing your relationship status on Facebook when your other half still thinks you're in a relationship with them (judging by her reaction I'm pretty sure she thought they were still in a relationship) and then leaving your car with her when you know damn well that she may find out about your transgression. Even if she hadn't decided to drive that thing into a building, who's to say she won't smash it into smithereens and then leave a big 'F**K YOU' letter sitting on top of the scrap heap?

Seriously mate, what you did was not only dumb, but also cowardly, even more so than dumping someone via text message. You got exactly what you deserved and you'd better consider yourself lucky that you're still alive.

4. Lady Gaga runs afoul of eating disorder groups:

Gaga has admitted in the past that she struggled with bulimia as a teenager and has urged young women to embrace a healthy body image. Therefore, she came under attack from eating disorder groups thanks to a twitter post she made. She tweeted 'Just killed back-to-back spinning classes. Eating a salad dreaming of a cheeseburger #PopSingersDontEat #IWasBornThisWay'.

Well, it was supposed to be a harmless post but according to the National Eating Disorder Association it was a hypocritical insult to many young girls, especially those who suffer from body image depression and eating disorders. Many of Gaga's own fans turned on her, stating their disappointment in her mocking such a serious illness.

I honestly don't know which side to take here. On one hand, I'm sure Gaga did not intend to disrespect anyone with this post, especially since she herself has suffered from an eating disorder and has always encouraged people to love themselves. But on the other hand, I can see how such comments could be viewed as insensitive and hypocritical, especially since she attached the hashtag 'pop stars don't eat' on the message. I guess in the end it comes down to how sensitive people are. You can either take it as a sarcastic remark and laud Lady Gaga for her dry wit and or you can view it as a tactless message and slam Lady Gaga as a stupid hypocrite who doesn't have a brain in her head. The choice is yours.

5. North Korea's epic failure:

You know, some people hear the word 'North Korea' and instantly think of a country ruled by a funny-looking madman who operates like a comic book villain - intimidates his own people, shows utter defiance to the rest of the world, shows no mercy towards people suffering under his rule and seems to have a goal to take over the world. Yes, I am talking about Kim Jong Un, who apparently has the same twisted mind as his late father and predecessor Kim Jong Il and even looks like him (no, that is not a compliment).

However, even Big Bad Un fell victim to Friday the 13th, and just for a moment he managed to make a laughing stock of both himself and his country. At 8:39am AEST on Friday, North Korean scientists launched a rocket that, according to them, has an observational satellite attached to it. The rest of the world, however, believes that it is yet another covert missile test.

Anyway, the rocket crumbled in mid-air and fell into the Yellow Sea. To add insult to injury, the rocket was supposed to symbolise strength and hard work from a nation suffering from economic hardship, as well as to celebrate the birth of the North's founder, Kim Il-Sung.

All I have to say is, way to kill four birds with one stone, guys. This epic failure was a slap in the face for North Korea, for Kim Jong Un and for Kim Il-Sung. It cost the North Korean government $850 million and Japan was ready to shoot it down had it flown over their airspace. I could only imagine the looks on the Japanese officials' faces when they saw that doomed rocket plummet into the ocean 10 minutes after its launch. No wonder the whole world is laughing.

By the way, I did not make a typo when I stated that this catastrophe killed four birds with one stone. The fourth bird is (drum roll please) Kim Kardashian. Some bloggers christened the rocket 'Kardashian 1', alluding to that over-exposed oxygen thief whose marriage crashed and burned. I'll bet Kim felt more hurt than the bag of flour that hit her in the head a few weeks ago after reading this - assuming, of course, that she can read.

Well, there you have it. Pretty interesting stories out this week. And in case you're wondering why news of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West hooking up and Brad and Angelina's engagement didn't make it here, I only have two words:

WHO CARES!!!!?????