OWWW MY EARS!!!!!!

When I first watched the music video for Rebecca Black's song 'Friday' I honestly didn't wait around to hear the whole thing. Why? Because it was so bad that after about 40 seconds I just gave up and switched it off. I mean, the song had an annoying tune, the clip was pretty cheesy and Black's voice was without a shadow of a doubt the worse I've heard in a long time. She sounded like a dying cat and the only thing I could say at the time was 'Sheesh! I hope that's not her real voice!' Clearly I wasn't alone. She recieved death threats over the song, the song itself inspired parodies and imitations and she became a walking punch-line. As a result the clip was deleted off youtube.

She has since came back with a new song, 'My Moment'. I only listened to the first few seconds of the song and while I'm pretty sure autotune was used, her voice sounds much, much better. But as bad as 'Friday' was, I recently heard another song that had me running for the hills after a mere 10 seconds of listening to it. This song made 'Friday' sound like an unforgettable classic and the singer herself has celebrity credentials more meaningless than the Kardashian sisters and a notoriety that would make Charlie Sheen blush. She is an aspiring country singer and recently made news for all the wrong reasons, although to be fair she can't take all the credit for it. I am talking about Courtney Alexis Stodden.

We're all familiar with her by now. She's the 16-year old singer who, earlier this year, married 51-year old actor Doug Hutchison, best known for his roles in films like 'The Green Mile' and 'I am Sam', as well as TV roles in 'Lost' and '24'. Yes, you read that right. This teenage, barely legal girl, who is younger than Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, who was not even born yet when Bill Clinton became US President, who was forbidden by law to drink at her own wedding, married a man who is four years OLDER than her father, who is older than Barrack Obama, and who was already alive when John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Really twisted stuff isn't it? Look, I'm open-minded enough to realise that, in another era, such acts weren't uncommon. But that was then, this is now, people and in this modern era, what these two did is not only considered disgusting and unlawful, but also downright criminal. Yes, the idea of older men marrying much, much younger women is not unheard of, but in those cases, both bride and groom were full-grown adults, not adult and child.

Ok, enough of that, let's get back on track here. This blog is all about Stodden (or should that be Mrs. Hutchison? *shudders*) and her oh-so-awful song that made me want to rip out my eyes and use them as earplugs. The song I heard, 'Don't Put It On Me' is available on youtube as a 'promotional clip' and the full song can be downloaded from iTunes. Most of you are probably wondering, 'Geez, Bernd. What the hell were you doing looking it up?' My answer: When I first heard that this little tart married some geriatric sicko and read that she was an aspiring singer, I was curious to hear how she sounded. I well and truly regret that decision. What I saw was a video clip involving some girl who looks older than her age suggests trying her hardest to imitate Paris Hilton and as for the song itself, it involved lame beats and bubblegum-pop music accompanied by a sing-songy rap voice that was so grating I was screaming 'UNCLE!!!!!!' after just a few seconds. Seriously, how the hell is this supposed to be a country song? Isn't country songs supposed to involve gentle guitars and soft beats accompanied by a laidback, friendly voice (male singers) or sweet, mellow ones (female singers)? Clearly, this song had none of that. If anything Stodden sounds like Ke$ha's younger, brattier, far more insufferable evil sister. No disrespect to Ke$ha intended.

So to Rebecca Black, Ke$ha, Rihanna, Justin Bieber and all the other singers I've heckled in my lifetime, I sincerely apologise to you all. Turns out there's someone out there with a voice worse than all of yours and a personal life and a reputation that would make even the most messed-up celeb shake their heads in disbelief. And Courtney, if you think being a singer is your true calling in life, well then all the best to you. Hope you fulfil that goal and maybe someday you might blossom into a real artist. But please realise that you and Doug are probably going to be hearing it loud and clear from haters and critics for the rest of your married lives, no matter how hard you both try to convey the image of a perfectly normal married couple and that there is a good chance you've both shot your reputations to pieces.