Santa Bernd?

Note: This blog was created by a very, very bored man. It is not meant to be taken seriously.

It's news that is guaranteed to make a child cry. Santa won't be coming to town this Christmas.

Ok, calm down, kiddies. He'll probably still slide down your chimneys on Christmas Eve but he'll probably be a no-show in your local shopping centre.

According to a major recruitment company that hires volunteers willing to don the red and white costume to play the big guy in department stores and shopping centres, there have been a shortage in volunteers this year and they are desparate to fill up the numbers. At last count, an estimated 50 more people are needed to fill up 600 pairs of Santa boots. Age, nationality and even gender are not an issue.
Aspiring applicants must undergo police and background checks and attend 'Santa School' before starting the job. Oh well, so much for the folks planning to imitate Billy Bob Thornton's character on that film Bad Santa.

Big Bad Bernd read this article and thought to himself, 'Hmmm.....maybe I should apply for this. I'll be making plenty of children happy and will be spreading that Christmas joy around.'
To that end yours truly sat down and compiled a list of pros and cons regarding his decision. Let's examine them now, shall we?

PROS:

1. Bernd is a funny guy:
I hate to sound conceited but, yeah, I've been told by friends and family that I'm a pretty funny guy. Yeah! Can we get a round of applause? *Crickets chirping*

Man, tough crowd! Even so, I may not have been able to get a laugh out of you, dear readers (unless my self-deprecating sence of humour worked), but I'm pretty sure I can elicit some giggles from the kids.

2. Bernd is a good boy:
Skip the police and background checks, folks, because you won't find anything on me. I'm a good boy who believes that crime and stupid behaviour doesn't pay.

3. Bernd is flexible:
No, I can't wrap my legs around my head or do the splits but when it comes to flexible working hours, I'm your man. Just let me know what hours I'll be working and I can easily schedule my daily life around it.

4. Bernd is great with kids:
I'm not patronising enough to lie to them, I can be funny without being crass and I'm generally a good sport when it comes to them. They are, after all, the future.

Ok, there are the pros. Let's go to the other end of the scale.

CONS:

1. Bernd is grumpy:
If I'm in a bad mood, I have a bad habit of letting it show sometimes. Might be too much for the kids, especially if Santa Bernd rolls his eyes at some of their wishes or tells them to shut-the-fire-truck-up when they're carrying on too much. *Sigh* so much for that part about not being crass in front of children.

2. Bernd is brutally honest and cynical:
Let's face it, some kids will make wishes that are out of this world. While Bernd would try his best to be supportive to the little tykes, he can't promise them that he won't be trying to stifle his laughter or cynicism upon hearing some wishes. Let's say a kid told him 'Santa, I wish I could fly'. Bernd would probably nod his head while tears leak from his eyes due to the strain of trying hard not to laugh.
And (no disrespect to anyone out there) if a chubby kid were to sit on his lap and wish to be thinner, Bernd might accidentally say something like 'Then why don't you get up and move it, fatso!' Yeah, not pretty isn't it?
And if a kid makes a wish like bringing a loved one back from the dead....wow. Let's not even go there.
And if a kid makes a wish that is selfish or despicable (ie: bringing harm onto someone they don't like or wishing for all the money in the world), or worse, tells him that he's not the real Santa, Bernd just might get the ol' heave-ho from the store's staff for making a kid cry.

3. Bernd is vertically challenged:
I don't know if there is a height requirement in the job description but considering that some children grow fairly quickly nowadays, he could find himself being mistaken for one of Santa's elves who decided to try on Santa's suit.

4. Bernd is a skinny man:
The last time Bernd went to Munich for the Oktoberfest, he decided to get himself a lederhosen to fit in with the locals. He was gently told that he was too short and thin to fill one out. A Santa suit would be no different. Unless the store folks are willing to get him a fat suit, he would be absolutely miscast as the 'jolly fat man in red'.

5. Bernd doesn't always feel comfortable being poked, prodded and hugged by children:
Ok, this doesn't apply to all kids. They're cool peeps and Bernd is more than happy to get a hug from them if they ask politely and if their parents are ok with it.
But I will say that if a kid decided he/she wanted to poke Bernd in the face, pull on his beard, play with his fake belly it might get tiring after a while.
And if a kid who had just licked their hands decided they wanted to touch Bernd - that would be too much. Santa Bernd would probably leap out of that chair and run away screaming like a cat on fire. YECH!!!!!!

Well, I think we've covered it all. As you can see, Bernd is probably not the best choice to play Saint Nick, but he still wishes the recruitment companies, department stores and of course, all the little kiddies all the best.