My Name is... WHAT!!!????

You know, when I was young, people could tell you what their name was without illiciting some kind of giggle from you. Apparently, those days are slowly dying. According to a report from the UK, baby names have taken a weird turn since the year 2000. Want to know what some of these weird names are? Well, 'Shy', 'Bean', 'Armani', 'Zowie', 'Porsche' and 'Ice' are among those in the top 20. It does make you wonder ... why would parents do such a thing to their children?

The study suggests that these names were inspired by their parents' idols, beliefs and hobbies. Hence, a name like 'Rooney' would have been inspired by footballer Wayne Rooney (Or the band Rooney), 'Cobain' and 'Bowie' were inspired by the musicians (Here's the part where you ask yourself 'what's wrong with Kurt or David?'), 'Armani' and 'Diesel' were inspired by the designer labels and 'Ice' might refer to that trip the parents took to Antarctica. Or the drug they were addicted to during their rock and roll years. As for 'Gift', 'Echo' or 'Stone'...well I don't know. Who knew there was a way to take your admiration for someone, as well as your own kookiness to another level.

If you ask me, giving your child such names is borderline child abuse. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that weird names sets them up for a lifetime of scorn and ridicule, particularly in the school yard. Can you imagine roll call before class starts? 'James' ... 'Here!' ... 'Sarah' ... 'Here!' ... 'Porsche' ... 'Uh, here' ... and that's when fellow students, and possibly the teacher, try their best to stifle their laughter while poor little Porsche buries his (or her) face in their hands and pray that they'd disappear. But who knows? Perhaps in the near future, there will be an entire classroom made up of kids with weird names. Therefore, the roll call might sound like this; 'Bean' ... 'Here!' ... 'Gift' ... 'Here!' ... 'Cute' ... 'Here!' and so on and so on.
And if school wasn't bad enough, can you imagine these kids growing up and trying to look for a job? They can have all the qualifications in the world and come into the interview brimming with confidence, but there's nothing more deflating than sitting there and watching the interviewer laugh at the mere sight of your name. And imagine being the subject of ridicule at work because of your name. You can't be someone's boss if you don't have a name that commands respect.

Quite frankly, the only motive I can find for parents doing this to their children is that they fancy themselves as celebrities. We all know the types of names they give their children. Hello, Pilot Inspektor, son of Jason Lee. G'day, Zuma, son of Gwen Stefani. Hi, Apple, daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow. Howdy, Moon Unit and Dweezil, children of the late Frank Zappa. I could go on, but you get the picture. Let's face it. There are a lot of people out there who try to go out of their way to live like celebrities, and if giving their children unusual names is another part of that lifestyle, then so be it. After all, walking around with fake designer labels does get kind of tired.

And so to all you new parents out there, I don't care about how much you like the sound of a certain word, I don't care how much you admire a certain celebrity and I certainly don't care about the place your child was conceived, but please give your children decent names. It wouldn't be fair to them to have to walk around with names that will subject them to ridicule for the rest of their lives. I know that pregnancy can be tough, and giving birth is even tougher, but imposing a lifelong punishment on your child for 9 or so months of pain and discomfort is pretty harsh. And if you really have a dying urge to give something a stupid name, why not buy a pet? Preferably a racehorse. After all, it's better to see a horse prancing around with a name like 'Makybe Diva' rather than a schoolkid sobbing on a park bench because of it.