Joel Monaghan, the NRL and acts of extreme idiocy

There are many ways to lose your job. Breaking things, misbehaving, bullying others, talking crap to your superiors, slacking off...there's quite a lot you can do to get fired.

Thanks to Joel Monaghan, we now have another act that you can add to that list.

Simulated bestiality.

You see, during the week, a photo of Canberra Raiders player Joel Monaghan made the rounds in twitter, showing him in a sexual position with a dog. The photo was believed to have been taken during the Raiders' 'Mad Monday' celebrations and there is the possibility that Joel was drunk at the time. The photo found its way to animal welfare groups and then to the Raiders' CEO Don Furner. The club will now investigate the matter, and there is a possibility that Joel can face the sack.

Before I get into this 'tragedy', I must ask what kind of friends does this bloke think he has? With friends like these, who needs enemies? Anyone with a grain of sense knows that images such as this will offend many people, not just animal welfare groups, and yet these knuckleheads had the nerve to release the pics and ruin their mate's reputation.

Ok, got that out of my chest. It's time to lay in on this story. Clearly, this is another 'own goal' for the NRL. Ever notice how whenever NRL players run afoul of the law it's usually due to the most disgusting, most despicable, most IDIOTIC of crimes? Ok, athletes are only human and they will make mistakes like normal people. Stories about athletes being busted for DUI's, adultery, drugs and assault is pretty common. Getting into trouble for unsettling sex acts, weapons charges, gang activity and other illegal activities is a little more disturbing.
But with NRL stars, it's everything I've mentioned and a lot more, usually on the zany side. I'm talking over-exposure, giving random strangers 'golden showers' at clubs, setting people on fire, using walls and street corners as urinals, using hotel corridors as potties, and now, it seems, zoophilia. I'd say that maybe it's because these blokes have to take heavy hits to the head and body during games, but if brain damage is the reason, then a). why are they still playing and b). why is it that you don't hear about combat athletes doing the same things?

Maybe alcohol's to blame. After all, most of the NRL 'crimes' I mentioned above were alcohol-fuelled and intoxication usually leads to acts that you'd rather forget and the same can be said of NRL players. Like I said before, they're only human. So I guess you can make the argument that perhaps NRL players should be banned from drinking right? Wrong. Can you just imagine the mutiny that would occur if these blokes were kept away from their booze? They may be professional athletes but trying to keep a man from his booze is like trying to take a bone away from a dog. Instead, I reckon that they should be given a lesson of self-discipline and correct conduct. Let them know that if they want to go out drinking, getting drunk and behaving like animals is NOT an option. They're supposed to be professional athletes, for crying out loud! They're not supposed to be getting wasted while season is in play.

Also, these guys need to be aware that kids look up to them and so it is their duty to make sure that they present a respectable image. Can you imagine a kid running up to their parents and telling them that they want to be just like that bloke in the news who got drunk, pissed on someone, assaulted his partner, took a dump in a hotel lobby and then ran through the streets naked after fondling a cat? Not the ideal role model aint they? Hence, they should be made aware of this fact. And unless they're stupid, it should sink into their heads.

Finally, reminding them once in a while that they are representing their club and their league and therefore it is up to them to treat it with respect. How the hell is it going to look to the fans when their favourite players are acting this way? I had a conversation with a couple of friends at work on this story, and one lamented that Joel was his son's idol and so couldn't believe that he'd do such a thing, while my other mate told me bluntly that Joel had better start looking for a new line of work.

This is not to say that all NRL players are scum. Some guys like Nathan Hindmarsh, Brett Kimmorley, Ben Hannant, Jarryd Hayne and Hazem El Masri treated the game and themselves with respect. But for guys like Joel Monaghan who think it's funny to do what he did and other acts of idiocy, it's time you guys took a long hard look at yourselves and what you've done and ask yourselves if it's worth it. Would you rather be remembered as a great player who treated the game with respect, or as a great player but an even greater dick head?

I beg to differ

According to a UK study, getting behind the wheel is a lot more stressful than catching public transport.
Traffic build up and delays were the main causes for stress in drivers and that the social aspects of public transport make commuting easier. Plus, while driving you are not free to do anything else but drive. In public transport, you can read, write, use your laptop or ipod etc.
I disagree. I think that driving is much less stressful than taking public transport. The people who conducted this research, not to mention the ones used in the research must have overlooked some things.

When you drive, you are the one in control. If you want to go faster, you hit the gas. You want to go slower, you hit your brakes. You can choose to turn the air conditioning up or down, you can choose the best way to get somewhere and best of all, you don't have to pay for getting from one place to another. Sure, traffic can be a pain in the butt, but at least you can suffer in your own vehicle rather than in a cab or a bus surrounded by strangers.

Now let's look at public transport. Sure, you don't have to scramble your brains with the rules and politics of driving, but you have no control of the vehicle that's supposed to take you somewhere. If you're late due to the manner in which a cabbie, a bus driver or train driver operated their vehicle, then it's your fault. You should've left earlier knowing that they're not going to break the road rules for your benefit.

As for the 'social aspects' surrounding public transport, for every good or interesting person you meet you're always bound to run into a couple of ratbags. It's not your car we're talking about here, it's public transport, where you don't have a say on who gets to share the vehicle with you. Drunks, drug addicts, criminals, idiots in general, you're always bound run into someone that makes you want to sink into your seat and pray that they go away. Sure, it can be quite entertaining watching or listening to them carry on at times, but really, you'd much rather not be near them.

And what about unforseen circumstances? Sure, when you're driving in your own car sometimes you run into something you didn't expect such as auto accidents, road closures, road works etc. Yes, it can be frustrating but unforseen circumstances involving public transport can be worse. Let me give you an example. I catch the train to work every day and let me tell you, unexpected catastrophes such as train delays, cancellations and selfish individuals who hold up trains due to their actions get the blood boiling. I was late for work a few times thanks to disasters like these. Just recently my train was delayed at a train station because some fool decided they wanted to end their life by jumping in front of an oncoming train. My train waited for some fiftteen to twenty minutes before finally moving again and I ended up being ten minutes late for work.
Another time, during a cold, rainy winter night I had to wait a staggering 20 MINUTES for my train to arrive thanks to delays! God only knows how I didn't wake up with a cold the next morning.

Being your own boss, not having to put up with unwanted guests, not having to suffer due to a driver who has no clue, now tell me, would you trade that with having to catch public transport? I think not. I got nothing against public transport, hell I take it everyday to work, but if I had to choose between public transport or my car, I'd go for the latter in a heartbeat. And I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that.

Good Impressions

UK clothes store TK Maxx recently surveyed around 2000 employers regarding how the attire one wears to a job interview can determine their success in landing a job. According to the survey, women who turn up to interviews with too much cleavage showing can spoil their chances, while men who turn up wearing rumpled shirts, high-waisted pants and novelty ties can ruin theirs.
Also, if more than one candidate is being seriously considered for the job, the better dressed one usually comes out on top. TK Maxx concluded that you should play it safe in terms of your clothes and appearance. That means wearing well-fitting, well-ironed clothes in neutral colours as well as a clean, well-groomed appearance.

Clearly, first impressions matter. So to any woman out there who is thinking of showing up to the interview looking sexy and sassy and trying to shamelessly flirt with the interviewer, don't do it. Assuming that your interviewer is some kind of sleaze is not the ideal thing to do. Likewise boys, interviewers will not be impressed by a guy who looks as though he'd just slept off a bender, forgot to shave and dressed like a kindergarten teacher with the rumpled shirt and cartoon tie. Why do I care? It's because I've made the same mistake in the past. Six years ago, hen I was an unemployed 19-year old looking for work I got an email from a potential employer stating that I didn't get the job I applied for. Fair enough, it happens, especially since I was young and didn't have much work experience. But in this instance, I felt that the real reason I got the chop was due to my appearance.

The year was 2004. I applied for a job with a big company with the city (I'll keep them anonymous for this blog). Before the interview process the employers decided they wanted to host an orientation day to get to know all the interested applicants. Let me tell you, the outfit I wore could not have been more dreadful. I wore a slightly-rumpled shirt that looked at least two sizes too big for my then-skinny frame, I wore high-waisted trousers that might as well have gone up to my nipples and stumpy shoes that Mickey Mouse would've been proud of. Also, I didn't bother to fix my hair up that much and so it looked all fuzzy. In other words, I looked like a cartoon character, and cartoon characters do not a successful applicant make. Ugh! I get red-faced just remembering it. Anyway, a few days later I got an e-mail simply titled 'Sorry'. Obviously I didn't get the job.

In my defence, I was a short, skinny 19-year old with limited work experience and I tried too hard to make a good first impression. Obviously, it didn't work and that right there is what TK Maxx is talking about. I was a defeated man the moment I picked my outfit and in a room full of impeccably-dressed folks I stuck out like a sore thumb. I'm surprised no one laughed at me. I should've known just how badly I'd blown my chances when I came home and my sister asked me what the hell was I doing leaving the house looking the way I did.

Well, I've got a job now but I still cringe when I think back to that day. Missing out on an interview is not what still bothers me, rather it's the fact that I showed up looking like a doofus. I guess it's one of those 'what the hell was I thinking' moments for me. But you know what? I know now that it's better to be rejected at a job interview dressed at your best than have to be turned down looking like a Nickelodeon cartoon character.

Needless death

As incarcerated rapper Big Lurch once rapped in his song I did it to you, 'There are a million ways to die, a million ways to kill.' Sure, it's a horrible statement, but it's true. Some people die due to old age, health issues, disease, accidents and even their own stupidity. In other words, you can go at any time.

This certainly occurred to me when I read that celebrated plastic surgeon to the stars Dr. Frank Ryan was killed in a car accident. It's a pretty common way to die these days, but what struck me most was that he was tweeting on his cell phone whilst behind the wheel, resulting in his car veering off the highway and plummeting down a cliff. Dr. Ryan was killed but his dog, who was riding with him survived despite suffering injuries to her head and paw. He was only 50 years old.

Naturally, his celebrity clients were devastated by the news. And who could blame them? They now have to find someone new to further manipulate their body image and self-esteem. But none was more saddened by this tragedy than Dr. Ryan's most infamous client, former The Hills starlet Heidi Montag, who called him 'The most brilliant, talented surgeon who will ever exist' and that she sympathised with 'Anyone who was blessed enough to meet him.' I can understand why she's upset. It takes a real trooper to be able to keep a straight face and a strong stomach in granting a silly girl her wish of undergoing ten full-body procedures in one day, which she did last November. Ok, enough about Heidi, that's for another blog, the real issue at hand here is how some people out there are at risk of dying in the same needless manner that this man did.

There are different types of drivers that drive me up the wall while I'm on the road. People who speed for no reason, extremely slow drivers, drivers who don't indicate when turning, drivers take up two lanes, drivers who can't park etc. Shortcomings behind the wheel aside, I really do not understand people who feel the need to use their phones while driving. When I was still a learner driver, my instructor always told me 'driving time is concentration time'. Thefore, you shouldn't be doing anything else while driving. Ok, I'll admit I've broken this rule a few times. I tend to change radio stations, chat with my passengers and I have been guilty of answering my phone. But you want to know what happened most of the time when I tried multitasking? I nearly hit a car in front of me, I nearly ran a red light and I almost caused a pile-up in a roundabout. I'm not going to lie, I still change radio stations once in a while, but I no longer use my phone. If someone gives me a call or if I need to make one, I pull over onto the side of the road and get my business done. Otherwise, I save it until I park somewhere, even if it means that I miss the call.

If Dr. Ryan just had the common sense to pull over before posting his thoughts on Twitter, perhaps he would still be performing another procedure on another insecure celebrity. Don't get me wrong, any person's death is a tragedy, but when I read the manner in which this guy died, the first thing I thought to myself was 'what an idiot'. Even if he couldn't pull over onto the side of the road, then why couldn't he just wait until he got home before posting? Common sense, people! You don't see a lot of it going around these days and it's pretty scary how some people get behind the wheel without it. Makes you wonder how these clowns got their licence in the first place.

Another pet peeve I have are women who put on their make up while driving. I'd say that this is probably more dangerous than using your phone behind the wheel. How is it even possible to apply your make up, watch the road and control your car all at once? You might as well be a college student studying for an exam while trying to cook your dinner and juggle chainsaws at the same time. These women should have got all made up before leaving the house, even if it means they might be late for work or a party of some sort. Wouldn't it be better to be late than get killed in a car wreck? Using the rear-view mirror to look at your face would be a hassle anyway, since you'd have to keep moving it up, down, left and right. As far as I'm concerned, the rear-view mirror should only be used for one purpose, which is to look at what's coming behind you.

What happened to Dr. Ryan should serve as a cautionary tale. Driving should only be about driving, period. It's not a time to call a friend, it's not a time to check your facebook or post on Twitter, and it certainly isn't a time to put your make up on. It's about operating a moving vehicle that can potentially get you fined or worse. I'm sure the last thing you'd want is a photo of you in the morning paper's obituary pages with an accompanying statement detailing how you perished in a car wreck simply because you decided to update your Facebook or Twitter.

My Name is... WHAT!!!????

You know, when I was young, people could tell you what their name was without illiciting some kind of giggle from you. Apparently, those days are slowly dying. According to a report from the UK, baby names have taken a weird turn since the year 2000. Want to know what some of these weird names are? Well, 'Shy', 'Bean', 'Armani', 'Zowie', 'Porsche' and 'Ice' are among those in the top 20. It does make you wonder ... why would parents do such a thing to their children?

The study suggests that these names were inspired by their parents' idols, beliefs and hobbies. Hence, a name like 'Rooney' would have been inspired by footballer Wayne Rooney (Or the band Rooney), 'Cobain' and 'Bowie' were inspired by the musicians (Here's the part where you ask yourself 'what's wrong with Kurt or David?'), 'Armani' and 'Diesel' were inspired by the designer labels and 'Ice' might refer to that trip the parents took to Antarctica. Or the drug they were addicted to during their rock and roll years. As for 'Gift', 'Echo' or 'Stone'...well I don't know. Who knew there was a way to take your admiration for someone, as well as your own kookiness to another level.

If you ask me, giving your child such names is borderline child abuse. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that weird names sets them up for a lifetime of scorn and ridicule, particularly in the school yard. Can you imagine roll call before class starts? 'James' ... 'Here!' ... 'Sarah' ... 'Here!' ... 'Porsche' ... 'Uh, here' ... and that's when fellow students, and possibly the teacher, try their best to stifle their laughter while poor little Porsche buries his (or her) face in their hands and pray that they'd disappear. But who knows? Perhaps in the near future, there will be an entire classroom made up of kids with weird names. Therefore, the roll call might sound like this; 'Bean' ... 'Here!' ... 'Gift' ... 'Here!' ... 'Cute' ... 'Here!' and so on and so on.
And if school wasn't bad enough, can you imagine these kids growing up and trying to look for a job? They can have all the qualifications in the world and come into the interview brimming with confidence, but there's nothing more deflating than sitting there and watching the interviewer laugh at the mere sight of your name. And imagine being the subject of ridicule at work because of your name. You can't be someone's boss if you don't have a name that commands respect.

Quite frankly, the only motive I can find for parents doing this to their children is that they fancy themselves as celebrities. We all know the types of names they give their children. Hello, Pilot Inspektor, son of Jason Lee. G'day, Zuma, son of Gwen Stefani. Hi, Apple, daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow. Howdy, Moon Unit and Dweezil, children of the late Frank Zappa. I could go on, but you get the picture. Let's face it. There are a lot of people out there who try to go out of their way to live like celebrities, and if giving their children unusual names is another part of that lifestyle, then so be it. After all, walking around with fake designer labels does get kind of tired.

And so to all you new parents out there, I don't care about how much you like the sound of a certain word, I don't care how much you admire a certain celebrity and I certainly don't care about the place your child was conceived, but please give your children decent names. It wouldn't be fair to them to have to walk around with names that will subject them to ridicule for the rest of their lives. I know that pregnancy can be tough, and giving birth is even tougher, but imposing a lifelong punishment on your child for 9 or so months of pain and discomfort is pretty harsh. And if you really have a dying urge to give something a stupid name, why not buy a pet? Preferably a racehorse. After all, it's better to see a horse prancing around with a name like 'Makybe Diva' rather than a schoolkid sobbing on a park bench because of it.

Unnoticed problem

I catch the train everyday to go to work, and I am well aware that commuters often have a bone to pick with Cityrail, usually relating to the trains being late and/or filthy. Me personally, the complaints I have regarding train travel are ones that Cityrail can't really take the blame for, rather, it's the train stations themselves. These are problems that can ruin one's day and yet no one really pays attention to them. They don't occur very often, but when they do it is a frustrating experience. I call them the 'Chatty customers' problem and the 'One attendant serves all' problem.

I'm sure you're aware of this experience. You're waiting in line to get a ticket, wondering why only ONE ticket window is open to serve everyone, and the line is delayed thanks to the customer up front bothering the ticket attendant. Look, if they're enquiring about directions or information regarding transfers then that's fine. But stupid questions like which platforms do certain trains arrive or just bothering the attendants with stories is just not on. In regards to the former, there are train timetables available at the station that indicate the time trains arrive, as well as the platform they will stop in. As for telling stories, only an idiot would completely disregard the other customers just so they can regale working employees with unnecessary drivel regarding to their past train experiences. Did it ever occur to these people that the customers behind them are probably in a hurry and need to get their ticket right away? I was nearly late for work on several occassions thanks to these clowns. Also, some train stations require you to buy a ticket before you can use the toilets! Can you imagine standing in line, waiting to get a ticket, but having to use the toilet at the same time? I'd imagine that it's about as uncomfortable as listening to one of Ke$ha's songs on the radio.

Also, why bother the ticket attendant at all? There are other staff around the train station you can direct your questions to. Staff members who do not have a line of customers waiting to be served.

Why no one seems to be doing something about this problem is astonishing. Not only does it disrupt other commuters, but what about the attendants who are distracted from their work?

But of course, this problem is worsened by the fact that times, only one ticket window is open to serve everyone. This is another problem that boggles the mind. How is one person supposed to serve all these customers at once? Seriously, any train station that allows this to happen does not know a thing about efficiency. Ok, so maybe it's because the other ticket attendants are busy taking phone calls or are on lunch break, but surely there must be someone else who can fill in for them. No train station should ever be under-staffed.

Look, I'm not saying that this happens in all train stations, but it does occur at times in the smaller stations I've been to and I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had it up to here with this dilemma. My suggestion would be to introduce a new rule that only gives cutomers a maximum of TWO minutes at the ticket window, and once this time is up they will be asked to leave, even if they have to be dragged kicking and screaming by security. Also, a word of warning to the idiots who hold up lines, you may think that the ticket attendant listening to you go on and on is enjoying it, but the truth is that they would like to continue with their work, and the customers behind you are probably wishing they could shove you out of the way so they can have their turn.

As for train stations in general, please ensure that you have enough staff on hand to serve customers at ALL times. There shouldn't just be one ticket window available, there should be at least two or three. Having just one window open is not just inefficient, it's also inconvenient to most customers. Surely you'd rather have customers go on their journey with a big smile on their face than have them running for their train with psychotic thoughts swimming in their heads.

Saving Mel

How the mighty have fallen. Mel Gibson, one of the most powerful men in Hollywood has been exposed as a racist, bigoted, mysoginistic and semi-homicidal maniac. A series of secret recordings captured Gibson verbally abusing his girlfriend Oksana, all the while managing to insult African-Americans, Hispanics, Jews and women in the process. The recordings also revealed that he frequently beat up on her to the extent that he knocked some of her teeth out. While she was holding their infant daughter. True, it is possible that Gibson, who has battled alcoholism in the past might have been drunk when he did all this, but that shouldn't be seen as an excuse. In fact, it exacerbates the situation. I doubt that even the most integrity-challenged judge would allow a psycho like Gibson access to his girlfriend again, let alone their daughter. To make matters worse, this could be a career-ender for him. His agency has dropped him and I'm sure he'd be hard-pressed to find a film executive, casting agent or director begging for his services. They certainly don't need someone whose credibility is so shot that he makes recent sinners like Tiger Woods, Chris Brown and even jail-bound Lindsay Lohan look like saints festering their upcoming films' image.

But, I think I can rectify the problem for him. While I certainly agree that Gibson's actions are beyond reprehensible, I think it would be fun to explore the options he can take to salvage what's left of his image. His name might have been dragged through the mud but it doesn't change the fact that he's a Hollywood legend. People don't forget that. Soe let's take a look at some options a Hollywood legend has for redemption.

1. Write a children's book

Madonna did it. Hell, even the former Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd did it. So why can't Gibson do it? It's not exactly an epic comeback but it would be a nice way to redeem himself. Just remember, Mel, it's a CHILDREN'S book, not another Lethal Weapon or Mad Max script. No swearing or extreme violence required. For an extra touch, he could make the hero of the story Black, Latino, Jewish or female.

2. Release a covers album

Ok, this option often results in epic humiliation (cough! cough! Scarlett Johansson!), but because we can now safely assume that Gibson is going to be blacklisted by Hollywood, he really has no choice. But before you scoff at the idea, let's not forget that Gibson can sing a little bit. Yes, I've seen Pocahontas in which he voiced the character John Smith and well, let's just say he was allowed to do his own singing. Perhaps releasing an album of country or rock classics can get him back on track. As long as he stays away from Miley Cyrus songs.

3. Do a 'comeback' film

Jean-Claude Van Damme had JCVD. Mickey Rourke had The Wrestler. Gibson should be able to pull this one off. After all, he is a much better and infinately more respectable actor than those guys (note how I said 'actor' and not 'person'). Perhaps he can do the whole writer-director-star thing and create his own film which will see him play a role that not only touches audiences, but can also get his career back on track. Like I said before, film directors will probably avoid him like the plague after what he did, and so clearly he'll be better off creating films from scratch on his own. And he's proven in the past that he can.

4. Release his own cologne

Ok, this is probably the least marketable option for him bu I thought I'd throw it out there. With all these celebs spruiking their own 'signature scents', maybe Gibson can do the same. He can call it 'Rage by Mel Gibson' or 'Madness by Mel Gibson'. I can just see the ad now; (Start off with soft music) 'Wanna know how a washed-up, racist, sexist, raving drunken lunatic smells like? (Que raging electric guitar) HERE IT IS! RAGE BY MEL GIBSON!!!!!' I'd imagine that the scent would be that of a typical scoundrel - a combination of cigarette smoke, booze, bad BO and bad breath. Told you it was the least marketable option.

5. Turn his life into a musical

If that comeback film doesn't take off, maybe Gibson can hire a Broadway producer to turn his colourful life into a musical. It worked for Shane Warne, I think it should work for Gibson. His was one of the most decorated and interesting careers in Hollywood. I mean, he once made women swoon, won an Oscar for a film he starred and directed and he also starred in some iconic roles both in Hollywood and his adopted nation of Australia. Then there's the alcoholism, racism, infidelities, mistreating his girlfriend, demonic behaviour... The script writes itself. And it's one of those fall-from-grace types of stories audiences love. And maybe Hugh Jackman can portray the great man himself.

6. Partake in a talent show

As some of you might know, former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson was a recent participant in Italy's Dancing With The Stars. Gibson should perhaps follow in the footsteps of his fellow celebrity train-wreck maybe take part in the US version of the TV series. I mean, besides boosting his popularity to a certain extent, maybe all that dancing can give him some of his looks back. Have you seen the way the guy looks these days? You can pass him in the streets thinking 'Who was that bum?' and not know that he's a billionaire! Whatever the case, even if it turns out he has two left feet, at least viewers can tune in week after week to see him make a fool of himself. One final word, Mel, please keep it professional between you and your dance partner. The last thing we need is another story of how you romances another woman more than 15 years your junior and then subsequently attacked her in another alcohol-fuelled rage.

Well, that's that. As you can see, Mel Gibson may have taken his career and reputation and slam-dunked them into the nearest trash can, but they can still be salvaged. I mean, should one of my suggestions take off, maybe Hollywood will be kind to him once again. If not, well then you'd better sit back and enjoy the ride to oblivion, Mr. Gibson. Say goodbye to fame and glory and hello to rehab, child support, criminal charges and most of all, ridicule and bad press. Maybe you can give some of your new friends like Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse, Tiger Woods, Chris Brown and Britney Spears a call, meet up at a pub, order a round of beers and discuss how you once had it all and threw it away. Then you can finish the conversation when you're all locked up in the same prison for drunken disorderly behaviour (Yes, that was a cheap one but I couldn't resist).