Keep It Simple

I have to say, an article I read in the Sunday Telegraph by columnist Mia Freedman had me laughing and shaking my head at the same time. In it, she looks at marriage proposals and how it has become a sideshow and a 'competitive sport' and that simply getting down on one knee and popping the question is no longer enough. These days, you have to go over-the-top and include a choreographed piece of some sort, perhaps hire someone to help out with the proceedings and all the while hope that someone captures it on video and posts it on the internet.

Freedman's article stems from a recent story in which a man proposed to his girlfriend by choreographing a five-minute lip-synching routine that included many of their friends and family dancing in the middle of a street. The gaudy show was captured on camera and posted on the internet. The man, Isaac Lamb, was interviewed on TV recently and 'apologised' to men everywhere for setting the bar so high as far as marriage proposals are concerned.

But, Freedman asks, do women really want these over-the-top marriage proposals or are men just using it as a means to get in touch with their creative side?

She includes in her article a quote from one of her friends whose husband proposed to her in a pretty creative manner. This friend told her that unmarried male friends 'cower' whenever she and her husband recall the moment he popped the question and that such proposals have turned the whole thing into something of a competitive sport - all the while driving men up the wall as to how they can possibly make it one to remember. Freedman notes that men are not so much afraid of asking the question, rather, they are afraid that the moment won't be a magical one for their significant other.
She also noted that since most couples live together before marriage the anticipation of proposals have lost their lustre - therefore, the emphasis is on making the moment of truth as memorable as possible.
She also goes on to write that not all women dream of being swept off their feet in such a sensational manner and would prefer if the men kept it short, sweet and simple. Some women already feel overwhelmed and mortified when men get down on one knee and present them with the ring so can you imagine how some of them would feel when their men organise a big song and dance number that stops an entire community just to ask her a question?

As far as I'm concerned, and no disrespect, but pulling off these over-the-top stunts just to ask your significant other for their hand in marriage is unneccessary. So what if simply getting down on your knee or presenting her with the ring during dinner or taking her to a special spot and all those other tried-and-tested ways seem dull compared to these media-grabbing circus acts? Your mission is to get a 'yes' out of her and as long as that happens then mission accomplished! No need to go all out and put on a big show. To me that just screams 'look at me!!!! I'm proposing to my girl and I want attention for it, darn it!!!'

Not that I would wish this upon anyone, but I can only imagine the kind of pain and humiliation a guy must endure if, after putting up a great show for his girlfriend and asking her to marry him, she turns him down. Let's face it, they won't always say yes. Wouldn't the damage be minimised if you kept it simple and got straight to the point rather than go all the way and do something that would make Lady Gaga and Elton John blush?

Freedman closes her article by outlining some of the best proposal stories she'd ever heard. They were all simple, and one involved a mutual agreement to get married. Freedman notes that these stories happened in the 1990's 'before those bloody viral videos'.

Guys, while going over-the-top to propose to your girlfriend is your decision and is an endearing way of expressing your love for them and your wish to spend the rest of your life with them, please note that you might end up embarrassing her and that you risk making a laughing stock out of yourselves. By all means, do what you think is the best way for you, but in my opinion, keeping it simple is the best way to go. The goal is to get a 'yes' out of her, not to turn the whole thing into the next youtube sensation.

Labels are no joke, people.

Anyone remember that episode of the classic TV show Friends where the gang take a trip to Las Vegas? Well, two of the characters, Ross and Rachel, ended up leaving later than everyone else and found themselves sharing the same flight. They spent most of it playing pranks on each other and trying to get into each others' heads, and at one point, Ross uses a marker to draw and moustache and beard on a sleeping Rachel's face.

Seemed harmless enough but there was one problem - he drew on her using a permanent marker.

Anyway, this gag came to mind when I read a recent story in the newspaper in which a Brazilian Incredible Hulk fan, Enrique dos Santos, painted himself head-to-toe in green paint to pay homage to his comic book hero. Unfortunately, the product he used was a substance used for ballistic missiles and nuclear submarines and is virtually impossible to wash off.
He tried in vain to wash it off in the shower but it did not work. Only when he got a 24-hour scrubbing from as many friends and neighbours that he could find did the green substance come off.

Well, what can I say? Don't people read labels anymore? Seriously, they do serve a purpose, people! If you are going to use a substance on your skin (and on someone else's for that matter) make sure it is safe to do so! It won't kill you to take a couple of seconds to read warning labels prior to using a product or substance, especially if it is one that you are going to apply onto your body. How would you feel if you slathered yourself with some product only to learn the hard way that you were allergic to it? Yeah, the idea of being covered from head to toe in rashes or something worse doesn't sound like a fair trade.

Warning labels on items are no joke, people. You can roll your eyes at them and sometimes you would be right to do so, but in other instances you will pay for it dearly. So come on, guys. Let's be careful out there.

Cheer up, Delta.

It's hard not to feel a little sympathy for Delta Goodrem. Just nine years ago she was the darling of the Australian music scene, a singer-songwriter whose songs were honest and wholesome and whose brave battle against cancer won the hearts of the nation.
But lately her reputation has taken a battering.

As one of the judges on Australia's version of The Voice she's had to endure the criticism from viewers who think she is annoying and a try-hard as well as being snubbed by contestants in favour of more seasoned fellow judges in Keith Urban, Seal and Joel Madden. In one episode, she offered a contestant who happened to be the younger brother of former Australian Idol winner Guy Sebastian (with whom she is good friends with) a spot on her team, but he turned her down to go with Seal. Delta's response was to bolt from her chair and head backstage in tears. Ouch! That's got to hurt!

I'd say the rot began in 2004 when she started dating tennis loser Mark Philippoussis. Heck, she wrote a song about him called 'Out Of The Blue'. That relationship didn't last and later that year she began dating former Westlife singer Brian McFadden - despite the fact that he still hadn't divorced his estranged wife and was known to be a foul-mouthed jerk. Suddenly, this 'good girl' singer wasn't so sweet anymore. Some people went as far as to call her a floozy who took it up with a married man. Still, she remained popular on the airwaves and retained much of her fan base.

Her relationship and subsequent engagement to McFadden didn't last and so she focused all her energy on her career. She tried to crack the US market but wasn't exactly successful in doing so (though her song 'In This Life' managed to get airplay there and her album Delta was a success). She then began a relationship with US pop star Nick Jonas (who is eight years her junior) that ended earlier this year. I'll bet many of her cynics saw that move as nothing more than a publicity stunt. Can't crack the US market? Why not go out with a young American pop star instead?

And now she's come back with her first single since 2008. The song, Sitting on top of the world was a success, debuting at number 2 on the Australian singles chart. Unfortunately, more controversy was to follow. Apparently, the song sounds similar to Rebellion (lies), a 2005 song by Canadian band Arcade Fire. How about that? She releases her first single in four years, it roars up the charts and then this happens. She just can't catch a break these days.

The Voice Australia judges (L-R): Keith Urban, Delta Goodrem, Joel Madden, Seal

All I have to say is cheer up, Delta. You still have many fans, your current single is sitting pretty on the charts and you have some pretty talented contestants on your side on The Voice. Throwing a hissy fit when a contestant rejected your offer wasn't a good move, however. Seriously, calm down! They didn't reject you because they don't like you. Maybe they just preferred to go along with musicians who have more experience on the world stage.

Also, it's refreshing that you stayed true to yourself as far as being a musician is concerned. Your songs continue to be the same heartfelt tunes that they were back in 2003 and you're still one talented singer-songwriter. It's great that you did not feel the need to overly 'sex' up your image and reduce yourself to singing about what you like to get up to in nightclubs and in the bedroom and show everybody what you look like with little to no clothing on. Much respect to you in that regard!
And as for the controversy surrounding your new song, it was an honest mistrake. Like I said in a previous blog, there's only so many tunes you can come up with and sooner or later you might accidentally produce a song that sounds similar to someone else's.
And as for your personal life, well it's not really anyone's business but yours. Just take the criticism on the chin and keep moving forward. To Delta's credit, she seems to be doing exactly that.

Quick takes:

1. So Jessica Simpson and her fiance Eric Johnson had a baby girl that they named 'Maxwell Drew'. Regarding the girl's unusual first name, Jess explained that 'Maxwell' is Eric's middle name. Jess, once again you prove to your critics that you really are an airhead and Eric, way to fuel the stereotype that male athletes are dimwits. Naming a little girl after her father? That just doesn't make sense! Unless, of course, the father had a unisex name like 'Ashley' or 'Taylor'. 

2. Kate and Gerry McCann stated to the British media this week that they have renewed hope their daughter Madeleine, missing for five years now, is still alive and that she will be found. Seriously, whenever I read about this case it makes me sad. No parent should have to go through what they're going through and no child should be taken from their parents like this. Yes, I have a heart, people! But all jokes aside, I really hope that The McCanns are reunited with their little one soon.       
But in saying that, I am still staggered at the irresponsibility that Kate and Gerry showed on the night that their daughter disappeared. Leaving your young children unattended to meet with friends is dumb. Leaving them unattended in an UNLOCKED hotel room is preposterous.
I don't have children myself but I know that once you have children, they are your responsibility and you should always be there for them. Couldn't Kate and Gerry have taken their kids with them? Sure, they probably wouldn't have been able to stay out for too long but when you have kids you're going to have to make sacrifices - including saying goodbye to aspects of your social life. Feel like going out with your friends but can't find someone you trust to babysit your kids? TOO BAD, TOO SAD!!! Stay home and be a parent.
Kate, Gerry, I truly hope and pray that you do get your daughter back and can move on from this horrible chapter in your lives, but seriously, what the hell were you two thinking?

3. Australian swimming legend Grant Hackett has bitterly separated from Candice Alley, his wife of five years. According to friends of the pair, they have been bickering for a while now and their problems may have stemmed from the fact that Hackett has been turning to booze to drown his sorrows whenever he and Candice quarrelled.
Sources state that the problems may have started when the couple moved from the Gold Coast (Hackett's hometown) to Melbourne. For a beach-loving man like Hackett, it was too much.
To make it worse, Candice forced him to sell his beloved Ferrari before the couple's twins were born.

All I'm going to say about this is that I wouldn't be surprised if Hackett manages to climb out of this mess and then attempt a comeback to competitive swimming. It'll be the Geoff Huegill story all over again.    

4. 17-year old Shaun Wilson-Miller, who is dying of a chronic heart condition, makes an emotional video in which he urges viewers to live life to the fullest. In addition to that, he asked his friends to make sure his father will be alright.
Wow. Just, wow. Here you have a kid on the losing end of the toughest fight of his life urging us all not to take our lives for granted and live it to the fullest in addition to saying his good-byes. Inspirational stuff right there.
Shaun, you are a brave warrior and thank you very much for the video. You are a true champion!

'Four eyes' and proud of it!

I read a blog in the newspaper recently in which the author describes her feeling at having to wear glasses. Like many people, and I am sure there are plenty of them, she spent most of her youth sneering at people who needed specs (the elderly aside), believing that they were geeks and weaklings who got picked on in the school yard. She also pointed out that film, literary and comic book heroes did not wear glasses (Harry Potter aside) and the ones that did like Clark Kent Peter Parker used it as a part of their disguise to 'hide their awesomeness' as she put it. She then goes on to describe her anguish at the news that she needed to wear glasses. Suddenly, she became one of these 'four-eyed' people. A geek. A weakling. A nerd. To compound the humiliation, she was forced to eat a huge serving of crow for looking down on bespectacled folks in the first place.
Fortunately, she eventually saw the positive side of things, mainly that her once fuzzy vision has been made clear and that it was possible to be a 'cool person' with glasses on (she cites Tina Fey as an example of a 'speccy superhero'). In the end, she embraced her specs and now cannot live without them.

I have to admit, I can totally relate to this story. I, too, wear glasses but this hasn't always been the case. In fact, my eyesight was pretty decent when I was a kid but too many video game and TV sessions later they deteriorated. Unfortunately for me, I also viewed bespectacled folks with snooty disdain, believing that only uncool people wore glasses and that they made the owner look silly. I also viewed them as a bully magnet for kids.
When I eventually noticed that my vision was getting fuzzier I tried to hide it. I was around 14 or 15 at the time and before I knew it, I suddenly had to squint to try and read what the teacher was writing on the board. If that didn't work I slyly peeked at my seatmate's notes and copy off them. As my vision got worse I started sitting right in front of the classroom. I'm pretty sure most of my classmates were thinking 'look at Bernd sitting out front like a goody-goody!' The truth was, I HAD to sit at the front. But in my state of absolute denial even that wasn't enough to get me to admit to myself that I needed glasses.

My problem soon manifested itself in different humiliating ways. People snickered whenever I couldn't read things from a distance. My family members looked at me suspiciously when I failed to see somethinng clearly on the TV screen. I started having to squint a little while playing video games. I kept sitting at the front of the class even though I didn't want to. It got worse and worse. At one particular day in high school, I was sitting in maths class with my friend and we were copying notes off the board. He caught a glimpse of my page and asked me why I had copied a particular formula wrong. I meekly asked him if I could copy it off his page and thankfully he obliged, no questions asked. But seriously, that was a huge blow to my ego. I obviously had a problem but I was too damn stubborn to admit it.

Finally, shortly before I turned 17 my mother forced me to get my eyes checked. She had began to notice my increasing inability to see things from afar and understandably, she was getting worried. I went to the optometrist, took the exam and my apparently-not-so-secret shame was exposed: I was short-sighted and needed glasses. Right at that moment I heard a voice inside my head shout 'NOOOOOOOO!!!!' I couldn't believe it! I was already a geeky kid to begin with but with these glasses I was stamping that label on my forehead in block letters. When I tried my new glasses on the only thing I saw was a four-eyed nerd begging to be mocked and laughed at for the rest of his life.

But, that was a long time ago. Just like the author of that blog I eventually came to embrace the glasses. Reading things from a distance is no longer a problem, watching TV and reading off the computer is no longer a frustrating experience and I actually think I look ok with them on (although taking pictures can still be a problem since the lens tends to form a glare). Besides, not all frames make the owner look like a total dork. There are trendy frames out there that can make the owner look cool and hip.
I'm sure there are some folks out there who look at me and think 'oh, there goes another four-eyed geek!' but to them I respectfully say, 'four eyes and PROUD OF IT, DUDE!!!!!'

Switcheroo

When I was a kid, I was a fan of the Archie comics series. Sure, some of the stories were corny but there were enough laughs to keep me entertained when I wasn't sitting in front of the TV killing braincells or sitting in front of the computer killing even more braincells and my eyesight. It was quite fun reading about Archie's life as an all-American teenage kid, trying to decide which girl he ultimately wants to be with, hanging out with his mates, trying to one-up his mates on occassion and going through all the trials and tribulations teenagers go through. Yeah, he and his friends were loads of fun in between gaming sessions.
I haven't read the comics in a long time but according to a recent news article, Archie will accidentally be turned into a girl named Archina in a future story. I didn't know what shocked me more, the fact that this all-American teenage boy was turned into an all-American teenage girl or that the writers gave him/her a dumb name like 'Archina' (Archela, Athena, Anthea, Alana, Alina.....there ARE some better names out there!). Apparently, Sabrina the teenage witch will make an appearance here and, well, maybe she's the brains behind this little mix-up.

It also got me thinking about what the Archie comics series would be like if the entire cast changed sexes. I can just see it now:

-Reggie becomes Regina, an egotistical Kim Kardashian-esque popular girl who thinks the entire male student population wants her.

-Jughead becomes.....well....I guess Jughead could still be her nickname, and she's a dorky, sarcastic and lazy girl who hangs out with Archina and can out-eat any man she knows.

-Betty and Veronica become Benny and Vinnie, one jock and one spoiled rich boy, best mates who constantly fight over Archina.

-Moose becomes Doe (a female deer is called a 'doe', get it? Of course you didn't!), a big, intimidating girl who beats up other girls that try to get too close to her handsome, sensitive-new-age-guy boyfriend Mick (instead of Midge).

Well, you get the point. All the characters swap genders but still retain their personalities. Funny isn't it?

Reading this article got me thinking about which film, literary, cartoon or comic book characters would become more interesting if they swapped genders. Don't worry, I'll keep the list short and sweet.

1. James Bond aka: Jane Bond

I know what you're all going to say. 'She'll just be another Lara Croft! Big whoop!' Be that as it may but I think it would still be an interesting scenario. Bond usually travelled around the world armed with his gadgets, his wit and his ability to pull in the ladies, all the while fighting power-mad maniacs so wouldn't it be interesting to see a girl get up to his adventures? James Bond went on several missions dressed in a tux or a formal suit, wouldn't it be interesting to see if a woman in a formal dress can get the job done without messing up her hair, make-up and outfit? Wouldn't it be cool to see a woman utter the words 'The name's Bond. Jane Bond' and order a glass of vodka martini, shaken but not stirred with a flirty swagger? And most of all, wouldn't it be cool to see her do some of the stunts and martial arts moves that James Bond is renowned for, not to mention score with a different 'Bond Guy' in each film? I know I'd enjoy it!

2. The Simpsons

This one would be fun! Imagine the Simpsons family undergoing a gender switch. Bart becomes a bratty little girl who gets up to mischief and enjoys making fun of her younger, dorkier brother, the two have an adorable baby brother with psychotic tendencies while Homer becomes an overweight, beer-swilling, lazy female nuclear power plant technician who can out-burp her male colleagues and Marge becomes the high-strung stay-at-home dad who occassionally takes odd jobs. Man, I actually want to see this one come into fruition!

3. Holden Caulfield aka: Mercedes Caulfield

We all know The Catcher in the Rye's Holden Caulfield - he's an angry teenager who refuses to grow up, shows utter contempt towards most people, detests 'phony' qualities in people and is drowning in his own self-loathing. What if he were to become a she? Therefore, Holden becomes Mercedes, the angriest teenage girl in the world.
I can imagine that she would be the type of girl that someone like Kristen Stewart, Taylor Momsen, Shailene Woodley and even Avril Lavigne (provided she can rediscover her angsty teen alter-ego) would play in a film. Cute, youthful, young at heart but also angry and has a pessimistic view of the world. Yeah, lots of teens would look at her and think 'Yup, I can/have see/seen myself in her'.

5. South Park

Man, this one would be a hoot for sure. Imagine if those four boys were four foul-mouthed little girls who get up to the same kind of hijinks that those boys did. I'm pretty sure that the outrage from this series would be doubled!
Instead of Eric, Stan, Kyle and Kenny, we got Erica, Sam, Kylie and Kimmy ('Oh my God! They killed Kimmy!' 'YOU BITCHES!!!!'). And I know they killed him off a long time ago but wouldn't it have been fun to see Chef as a funky female cook? Get someone like Octavia Spencer to provide her voice and she would have stolen the show for sure!

6. Twilight

Well now, how about this one? A moody, emo, over-dramatic boy (ie: the first or second teenage boy you'll encounter on the street) who has to choose between a mysterious but charming and stubborn female vampire named (think of an Angelina Jolie type but less slutty) and a likeable, cheerful, adventurous but temperamental werewolf (pretty much like your typical girl next door, I guess). I must say I would get a good laugh watching the male lead acting like a moody little pansy trying to decide which girl he wants to be with - not to mention those two girls trying to one-up the other in winning our hero's affections.

Well, that's it for now. Yeah, some stories, shows and movies would be quite interesting if different characters changed genders so I can't begrudge the folks at Archie comics for giving it a go. Female characters exhibiting male traits and vice-versa? Sounds fun to me!

Quick takes

Well, it's that kind of week again. Too many blog-worthy stories happened this week that your's truly couldn't possibly focus on just one for an epic blog. Therefore, Big Bad Bernd will take all these stories and give a brief but boisterous opinion on all of them.

This is going to be FUN!!!!!!

1. One Direction invades Australia:

Hey, guys! Justin Bieber called, he wants his loud, insufferable, psychopathic fans back!!!! Well, what can I say? Just two years ago Juzzy Biebs hit the jackpot and gained fans around the world and what happens? We all got confirmation that, when they're enraged, female pop music fans are the most dangerous creatures on the planet. They scream, they shout, they run, they crowd, they tackle....and they scared Bieber into holing up in his hotel room at one point while he was here in Australia! And who could blame him? As soon as he steps out that door all hell breaks loose!

Which brings us back to One Direction. If you thought the hysteria from Bieber's visit was bad, imagine that multiplied by five. That's pretty much what happened this week despite a rocky start when fans were let down as the boys touched down in Sydney on Tuesday. Apparently, the police and airport staff escorted them to a 'VIP exit' away from the fans.

And just like Bieber's fans, One Direction fans have already made threats against any girl who dares to get too close to their idols. During a radio interview one of the boys admitted that he had a crush on the station's receptionist and wished to take her out on a date. Well, she turned him down, mainly because she already has a boyfriend, but now she has to contend with the insults and death threats from over-zealous fans and even some fans who simply want to touch and be around her just because she had been in contact with the boys!

Wow. I'd change my phone number and my door locks, and become a master of disguise in the meantime if I were her!

And almost lost in all the hysteria is the fact that the boys are being sued by a US rock band with the same name. They have been using the name 'One Direction' since 2009 and in 2011 filed an application to trademark their name. Oh the humanity!

2. Kate Winslet's 3D breasts cut out of Titanic 3D's China release:

So it's been 100 years since the iconic doomed passenger liner Titanic sank in the North Atlantic Ocean and to commemorate this milestone, James Cameron's Oscar Winning epic Titanic (the film that dominated the 1998 Academy Awards, put Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet on the map, gave us that excruciating song by Celine Dion) was re-released into cinemas in 3D. Sounds all well and good, but there was some controversy involved in the China release. Apparently, Kate Winslet's 3D breasts were deemed 'too good' for the people of China and so were censored.

A spokesperson for China's State Administration of Radio, Film and Television (SARFT), there were fears that viewers might reach out to 'touch' the breasts and so obstruct people's viewing and might so the SARFT decided that censoring Winslet's bits would build a 'harmonious, ethical social environment'.

Naturally, viewers were aghast at such a decision. One male filmgoer lamented that they had waited fifteen years 'and not for the 3D icebergs'. Well, can't say I blame him. When I watched this film in the movies I remember male viewers cheering and hollering when that scene in which Winslet's Rose disrobed in front of DiCaprio's Jack came up. Heck, some of my male friends back in high school stated that they mainly watched it for that scene alone. And well, being a man myself, I too enjoyed that scene. Yeah, poor Chinese audiences. What a waste!

3. Scorned woman crashes car into ex's workplace:

Lesson to any Facebook user out there: If you are going to change your relationship status from 'married' or 'in a relationship' to 'single', make sure you break up with your ex first BEFORE you change said status.

A British man learned this the hard way when his scorned ex-girlfriend drove his car into the bowling alley in which he worked, causing $21,000 worth of damage.

Wow. What an epic failure on that guy's part. Changing your relationship status on Facebook when your other half still thinks you're in a relationship with them (judging by her reaction I'm pretty sure she thought they were still in a relationship) and then leaving your car with her when you know damn well that she may find out about your transgression. Even if she hadn't decided to drive that thing into a building, who's to say she won't smash it into smithereens and then leave a big 'F**K YOU' letter sitting on top of the scrap heap?

Seriously mate, what you did was not only dumb, but also cowardly, even more so than dumping someone via text message. You got exactly what you deserved and you'd better consider yourself lucky that you're still alive.

4. Lady Gaga runs afoul of eating disorder groups:

Gaga has admitted in the past that she struggled with bulimia as a teenager and has urged young women to embrace a healthy body image. Therefore, she came under attack from eating disorder groups thanks to a twitter post she made. She tweeted 'Just killed back-to-back spinning classes. Eating a salad dreaming of a cheeseburger #PopSingersDontEat #IWasBornThisWay'.

Well, it was supposed to be a harmless post but according to the National Eating Disorder Association it was a hypocritical insult to many young girls, especially those who suffer from body image depression and eating disorders. Many of Gaga's own fans turned on her, stating their disappointment in her mocking such a serious illness.

I honestly don't know which side to take here. On one hand, I'm sure Gaga did not intend to disrespect anyone with this post, especially since she herself has suffered from an eating disorder and has always encouraged people to love themselves. But on the other hand, I can see how such comments could be viewed as insensitive and hypocritical, especially since she attached the hashtag 'pop stars don't eat' on the message. I guess in the end it comes down to how sensitive people are. You can either take it as a sarcastic remark and laud Lady Gaga for her dry wit and or you can view it as a tactless message and slam Lady Gaga as a stupid hypocrite who doesn't have a brain in her head. The choice is yours.

5. North Korea's epic failure:

You know, some people hear the word 'North Korea' and instantly think of a country ruled by a funny-looking madman who operates like a comic book villain - intimidates his own people, shows utter defiance to the rest of the world, shows no mercy towards people suffering under his rule and seems to have a goal to take over the world. Yes, I am talking about Kim Jong Un, who apparently has the same twisted mind as his late father and predecessor Kim Jong Il and even looks like him (no, that is not a compliment).

However, even Big Bad Un fell victim to Friday the 13th, and just for a moment he managed to make a laughing stock of both himself and his country. At 8:39am AEST on Friday, North Korean scientists launched a rocket that, according to them, has an observational satellite attached to it. The rest of the world, however, believes that it is yet another covert missile test.

Anyway, the rocket crumbled in mid-air and fell into the Yellow Sea. To add insult to injury, the rocket was supposed to symbolise strength and hard work from a nation suffering from economic hardship, as well as to celebrate the birth of the North's founder, Kim Il-Sung.

All I have to say is, way to kill four birds with one stone, guys. This epic failure was a slap in the face for North Korea, for Kim Jong Un and for Kim Il-Sung. It cost the North Korean government $850 million and Japan was ready to shoot it down had it flown over their airspace. I could only imagine the looks on the Japanese officials' faces when they saw that doomed rocket plummet into the ocean 10 minutes after its launch. No wonder the whole world is laughing.

By the way, I did not make a typo when I stated that this catastrophe killed four birds with one stone. The fourth bird is (drum roll please) Kim Kardashian. Some bloggers christened the rocket 'Kardashian 1', alluding to that over-exposed oxygen thief whose marriage crashed and burned. I'll bet Kim felt more hurt than the bag of flour that hit her in the head a few weeks ago after reading this - assuming, of course, that she can read.

Well, there you have it. Pretty interesting stories out this week. And in case you're wondering why news of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West hooking up and Brad and Angelina's engagement didn't make it here, I only have two words:

WHO CARES!!!!?????

Lucky Man

Kyle Sandilands is a lucky man.

Sure, most of Australia thinks he's a major-league moron and chauvinist and he has courted plenty of controversy during his TV and radio career, but I consider him to be a lucky man indeed.

Following a recent act of total foolishness late last year in which he hurled derogatory and sexist comments towards a female journalist who criticised his new TV show (or should I say TV train wreck), he was found guilty of seriously breaching decency codes. His radio station, 2DayFM will now be slapped with new licence conditions as implemented by the Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA), in which any offensive language, particularly those directed towards women (Kyle's most frequent victims) will be regulated and any further offenses committed by Sandilands can lead to fines and even a termination of 2DayFM's licence.

Ok, now to address the reason why I think Kyle is a lucky man. He's lucky because, despite the fact that he's said and done numerous revolting things while on the air he still has his job. Most of the things he did seriously breached decency codes, most likely breached terms of his employment and he's still allowed to park his ever-widening backside behind a microphone every morning. Oh yeah, and he's the co-host of a breakfast radio show, people. There are likely to be some children who can hear the things he says while listening to the car radio on the way to school. To make matters worse, 2DayFM has already cost its network Austereo millions of dollars' worth of sponsors and, despite still being the top-rated show in New South Wales, is rapidly losing listeners, all thanks to the actions of this moron.

With most other employees in a different field of work, I'm pretty sure that continually making mistakes that breach codes of practice is grounds for dismissal and if you're lucky, you might get a second chance but that's it. But Kyle has made so many gaffes and offended so many people I've lost count. Seriously, haven't any of his bosses heard of the saying, 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me'? Well guys, I'm not pressuring you all to give Kyle the old heave-ho right away but it seems that he has fooled you all more times than I can count on one hand.

And even if you look beyond the on-air controversies, Kyle's work ethic is nothing short of abysmal. It's one thing to 'chuck a sickie'. But if you tell your bosses that you're too ill to come to work, don't get caught club-hopping on the SAME NIGHT that you called in sick!!! Oh yeah, and he's 'accidentally' done that more than once. It also doesn't help that he often calls in sick mere minutes before he's due to go on air. Also, please bear in mind that excessive sick leaves arouses people's suspicions, Kyle. I know he suffers from multiple health problems (he's overweight, smokes too much and has a poor diet) but even so, if you call in sick too many times people will start to wonder if you're faking it, especially after you are caught gallivanting around rather than recovering.

Oh yeah, he's also taken vacations without notifying his bosses and his co-host Jackie O, who has in the past expressed irritation over his lax work habits. Yup, sounds like a candidate for employee of the year. No wonder you guys are keeping him around!

Kyle Sandilands, I hope you know how lucky you are. Seriously, in any other field of work, or perhaps in any other radio station, if you've committed the kind of mistakes you made numerous times and displayed the same type of lackadaisical work ethic you would have been out of a job a long time ago.

At the same time, I hope the new conditions that ACMA are planning to impose on your station will convince you to grow up and think before you speak. You got away with it again now but mate, in the future, you might not be so lucky.